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Two months ago I left my job. I was working in a pharmacy as a pharmacy assistant. It was a job that I thought was for me and a job I thought I would be in for a long time. It was something that I thought was the right direction (or maybe something I was hoping to be the right direction for me).
I thought after securing a job in this field I am finally going to feel satisfied. I thought this was going to be the career that will make me feel like I have made it. The career that will make me feel like I can breathe because I have found my purpose. The career that will make me feel like I can stop worrying now and stop searching because this is it, after this you will begin to feel more alive and more proud of yourself. You will finally be able to start a stable life…
Ha! I wish!
When I was younger, it was always hard for me to feel like I was smart enough, good enough and talented enough. To be quite honest, I 100% believed I wasn’t good at anything. It was frustrating because I felt like everyone was good at a little something and then there was me.
It was even more frustrating when high school was coming to an end and everyone had an idea on what to do as a job because they were basing it off of things they were good at and then there was me who didn’t believe I was much capable of doing anything on this planet.
I always loved cameras, editing videos and making videos and so after high school I went into film school because it just made sense to me at the time. As the months and years went by during school, I still felt lost and I didn’t 100% feel like I fitted in. In the end my lack of confidence really made me loose motivation to keep going.
After finishing film school it was hard to figure out what the next steps were. I had no motivation to find a job in the film industry what so ever nor did I have any motivation at all to create projects anymore.
I eventually got the motivation to look for new careers to get into and the pharmaceutical industry fascinated me as I was just recovering from something that sparked my interest in learning about medicine. Getting a diploma to become a pharmacy assistant also doesn’t take long and so I had the boost of motivation to go after this field of study.
I was also thinking about how much it will look good on me that I would be working in the health care field because like I said I never felt smart growing up and I have always struggled in school.
Actually my teenage self would laugh at my 22 year old self if she had found out that I would be studying something health care related because she always believed that she would not be able to do a job like that. A job that I use to think I was too “dumb” for.
After about 10 months of studying to become a pharmacy assistant, I secured a job working as one.
Honestly, I was so proud of my self because not only I was able to pass all the classes that I thought I wouldn’t be able to manage but I was able to get a job. Crazy.
I worked as a pharmacy assistant for almost a year.
It was a great experience in the beginning. It felt right. There was a moment where I finally felt like I accomplished something. I was working in the health care industry! Something I never thought would be possible! Like c’mon I failed math class twice and failed science once in high school. I was shocked and so proud of my self.
But then that feeling again that I was scared of came back. The feeling of being lost, confused and unmotivated.
How can something that was so good just go so bad again? and yes I did think to my self is this just a burnt out feeling?
But it was beyond that.
I would often think about my life and my future and how I want my future to look like. I’ve always had a few dreams that I would find my self fantasying about.
Dreams where I am travelling the world, helping others and writing. Mainly dreams where I became a big inspiration to others. But those dreams sounded way to crazy for me. Way to unreal for someone like me.
How can someone who struggles with themselve become a inspiration to others?
It all sounds too crazy and so I pushed all those dreams so far out of my mind where I can’t even think about them anymore.
However by doing that for so many years. By ignoring the things I truly want to do, I forget what I truly want to do with my life. What I truly see my self doing because my mind gets too cluttered with self-doubts.
Self-doubts that lead me to doing things I thought would be best for me but it’s actually things that I am just wishing to love because it would be easier that way.
It would be easier if I actually did love working in a pharmacy because it looks good to other people. It even sounds good to hear that I work in a pharmacy.
But am I following what I really want?
The answer is no.
I am living the life that I want to show others and the people around me. It is the life that is safe. Safe from any sort of judgement.
Nothing can go wrong if I choose this lifestyle. There are no risks.
It is the easy way out.
But one day. A regular day. I just got fed up.
Living a life everyday where you’re tired of doing things that are not for you but for others is exhausting.
Yes my dreams may sound crazy and may seem way to far for me to reach but wouldn’t I be happier.
Wouldn’t be worth it?
As someone who is in her early 20’s, why am I so afraid of taking risks when I have nothing to loose?
I am young and have so much time to figure out what I want before I have kids, get married, have a house to pay off etc…
Why should I waste time in jobs I know is not for me when I can use that time to figure out what I truly want.
Maybe cause we grow up thinking we have to have our life put together before a certain age in which forces us to do things that will get us to where we need to be. Not because it makes us happy but it will get us to the finish line faster.
Im sorry but I don’t want to live that way forever.
I am not going to spend time letting my self-doubts get in the way of doing something I really want to do even if it’s too big of a dream because life is too short.
Life is too short to have the mentality where I constantly tell my self
“If I leave this job there’s nothing better for me”
“If I leave this job people will think I am a quitter and be disappointed in me”
“If I leave this job my life will be over”
“Sometimes dreams don’t come true for everyone”
Im sorry but I am tired of thinking that way.
There’s so much more out there for us and there’s something there that is actually meant for us but people’s words always get in the way. There are people out there who are secretly selfish. There are people who want you to believe that what you want is impossible so that you can not have one step closer into being happier or successful.
It’s been 2 months since I left my job. My ideally perfect job. Although it was quite hard during and after the process of leaving because I had lots of fears and self-doubts, I am happy because at this very moment I can say that I am doing things for me. I am not that girl who is working a job solely because of the fact it would look bad to others.
