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Growing up, I can say that I have always struggled with having low self confidence and low self-esteem. Till this day, at 23 years old this is something I still struggle with. Being someone who is confident is something I have always wanted because I don’t think I have ever genuinely felt confident about my self. Yes maybe there are days where I do feel good about my self but I don’t necessarily count that as being confident because one comment or action that is targeted towards my looks, whether it is serious or a joke can ruin my entire day. To be honest it can even affect me for a few days or weeks. It makes me re-question my entire being.
For me, building self-confidence is something that is a rollercoaster. As much as I want to wake up the next day and be 100% confident and have the “I don’t give a f*ck attitude”, I know that is not going to happen. I have accepted that and I think everyone should accept that too. We are not perfect. Of course we want to be but at the end of the day we’re just going to keep giving ourselves a headache if we keep putting all our energy on perfecting ourselves. I may not have completely overcome being insecure and became a person that’s 100% confident with themselves but I have continuously worked on that. I have seen the difference over time and I think I should be more proud than disappointed in my self. I am trying. None of you should feel disappointed either. We all need to appreciate our efforts and be proud of the positive changes we are making slowly to become the person we want to be because it is possible to become that person. I believe that one day I will become that person but now I am simply accepting the fact that it doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. It’s going to be a journey and it’s going to require me to keep working on the issues I may have.
But in all honestly, I am TIRED of living life insecure. It’s to a point where it takes up too much of my energy. It is draining to not be able to do the things I want to do because of how much my self-doubt gets in the way. Being insecure with your looks is one thing but being insecure about your entire being is a whole other feeling that I wish to not have. It’s the feeling of constantly being disappointed in yourself and wishing to be someone else who is a much better person than I am. A prettier person than I am, a smarter person that I am, a more talented person than I am, a more successful person than I am and the list goes on and on…
Everyday it’s just living a life where I see people and I can’t help but feel like everyone is above me and I look very small compared to them. It’s really hard for me to feel proud of my self even if I had done things that I should feel proud of but I just don’t. It’s the non stop feeling of not being enough. I think to my self everyday about how can I do more. It sometimes even leads me to doing things that doesn’t necessary match with my genuine passions and interests but if it’s something that I think will make me feel more proud of my self and if it’s something that people around me would be proud of then I will do it.
Having low self confidence has impacted my life so much in the way that I have always ran away from doing the things I truly want to do. It has stopped me from following the paths that are for me because I don’t think I deserve or am capable of doing the things I really want. It’s always easier to go for something that doesn’t mean anything to you because it’s something that you’re not afraid to fail in. However, with going for a dream that means the world to you, it can be twice as scary chasing it because I know that if I were to fail, it would ruin me. For years, I have always ignored my dreams. I have pushed it so far back so that I don’t have to think about it anymore. I have held on to this dream for a long time and it’s something that I don’t tell everyone because I fear judgement. I guess that’s how I know that this really is what I want because usually our most genuine desires and our biggest dreams are things we keep sacred because it’s special to us and we don’t want to let people ruin it. Along with big dreams comes with some people having to criticize because it’s something that is unrealistic to them.
For example, I grew up with divorced parents and for the most part my mom had raised me and was the one who gave me everything I needed. However, my mom didn’t attend college or university and so after moving to Canada she never really had a job that was stable and that gave her a stable income. It was a lot of job hopping for her, making it hard to raise 4 kids and so I grew up only having one goal in life and that is to be financially stable to grow a family. I want no problems with paying rent, food, clothes and all the things you need to survive. I’ve seen my mom struggle with that a lot and I don’t want to go through that with my own kids. So not only was my self confidence stopping me from pursuing my dreams but it was also the thought of needing to find something more stable that would make myself and my mom proud. Because usually our dreams is not the most clearest and stable path to take and so that is why we avoid it and do other things that don’t necessarily make us happy but because it’s something that makes us feel more stable and safe, we prioritize our happiness last. I guess most of us, especially people who struggled with money growing up rather have stability than happiness because stability is what is going to make us happy at the end of the day. However, that’s not always the case. But to conclude the point I was trying to make, it’s hard for me to admit what I truly want in life because I know it’s something people such as my mom would criticize. Because it’s not a stable and clear path and I know she would fear me living my life the same way she did.
I’ve always had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life but because it’s not something that seems realistic to to others and because it’s something that doesn’t sound stable, I always try to convince my self that what I think is right for me is NOT for me. It is just a thought that will go away until I truly find my calling. Because of the belief I made upon myself that I don’t truly know what I want, I continued to search for other things. I started to work jobs that were more stable. It was jobs that I was interested in but also gave me financial stability. It was a clear path and it made me feel good to know that people see me working a job that is stable. However as time goes by working in those jobs, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. I couldn’t help but feel like I am suppose to be doing something else in my life. I couldn’t help but feel like I am meant to be doing something more. I couldn’t help but remember my dreams in life that I keep trying to forget but it finds its way back into my head. I have always questioned my self as to why I can never feel happy or satisfied in jobs that I use to find enjoyable. I have learned it is because I have trained my self to believe these jobs are enjoyable to me. I have made my self believe that this was the right path because I want it to be so bad. I wanted to truly believe that I was on the right path so that I could forget about my unrealistic dreams that always haunts me. I guess I wish I could forget my dreams so that I don’t feel the temptation to see what it’s like to pursue them because pursuing them would mean having to take risks and having to face the judgment and criticism from the people around me.
It’s been a long time of convincing my self that I don’t know what I want and a long time of convincing my self that I am on the right path even though I am secretly unhappy. I am mentally and physically tired and getting frustrated of the voices in my head that keeps reminding me of my dreams. It is to a point where I surrender and I will no longer ignore these little voices in my head that has followed me everywhere for years. It is not healthy for me anymore to keep forcing things into my life that I only put up with because it’s the easier way. I have come to realize that I have always known what I want but because of how society and life is, I have always ignored it and made my self to believe that there are other things for me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I am going to listen and trust my self from now on. I am going to trust that I know whats best for me. I am going to stop listening to what others want for me and start listening to myself. What I truly want has always found its way back to me and so how can I ignore that? I know what I want and I am going to keep working on myself to learn how to not let fear and self doubt stop me from chasing what I really want.
Life is too short to be living life afraid. Life is too short to be only doing things that make us unhappy because it looks good to other people. To be successful, we need to take risks, do things that make us uncomfortable, do things that we never thought we would be capable of doing, do things that people will talk sh*t about. Because I don’t know about you but I don’t want to live a life where I constantly say ” I wish I would have___”. I want to live a life where I have done all the things I have always dreamed about doing not a life where I only wished.
We must have a new outlook of life. A perspective of life that is far different than out parent’s perspective of life. A perspective of life where we don’t think our dreams are impossible of becoming reality. A perspective of life where we believe that we are capable of doing the things we dream about doing. A perspective of life where we don’t only follow paths to make others happy but follow paths that make us happy. A perspective of life where there isn’t such thing as an “unrealistic” dream. We must believe in the famous quote that exists for a reason and that is “if we can dream, we can achieve”.
There is always going to be people who don’t believe in us. But they don’t matter. We must believe in ourselves because if we keep believing about what others have to say about not being capable, we will not make it and sometimes thats what the people want. For you to not make it. We must believe in ourselves because if we continue living life not trusting ourselves, we will continuously be getting ourselves into situations that don’t make us happy. Not believing in ourselves will get us no where but unhappiness. A life filled with feeling unsatisfied and incomplete.
What’s meant for us always finds it’s way back to us and what’s NOT meant for us will find it’s way out.
